Setting Empathic Limits With My Child

 Setting empathic limits and boundaries with my child. 


Some ask how I keep myself and Forrest so chill? How do I keep my home so clean and organised and not have my small child like a hurricane and destroying everything? Why don’t I see you yelling at your child or saying no all the time? 


That answer is that I set clear empathic limits based around three main principles -


I can’t let you hurt yourself.

I can’t let you hurt others.

I can’t let you hurt the environment.


If all my limits are set around the principals that support respect and safety for our bodies and our environment it makes it much easier to hold the clear expectation and create more calm in your life with your children. Also I find it makes it easier on both of us me not saying No to every little behaviour my son shows. 


Also if the limit/boundary is not met then I don’t ever use punishments but we will let natural consequences happen. 


So let’s get into examples: 


Limit- I can’t let you hurt yourself: 


‘I see you keep trying to touch the oven while it is on and hot. I can’t let you touch the oven you might hurt yourself. I know you really want to just stay with mummy. I need you to leave the kitchen until dinner is ready. 


Or ‘I can’t let you use the kitchen scissors you might hurt yourself. I know you just really want to help cut but it is too dangerous right now.’ 


Or ‘I can’t let you jump off that high sea saw. Can you sit on it please or come down in a safe way.’


Limit- I can’t let you hurt others. 


‘I can’t let you hit me it’s hurts my body. Please keep your hands down’. 


Or ‘I can’t let you throw blocks at the puppy that will hurt him. Please keep the blocks on the mat.’ 


Limit- I can’t let you hurt the environment. 


‘Hmm I see you are jumping on the sofa. I can’t let you jump on the sofa you might damage it. I know you really want to jump. I need you to sit on the sofa please.’


Or ‘I can’t let you draw on your craft table. I need you to keep the colours on the paper please.’


Language is also important when setting these empathic limits. See how I would use ‘I can’t let you’ said in a calm form tone, rather then a strict No! Or Stop that now!.  The child will listen and respond better to this clear type of language. 


If the limit is not met or listened to it will follow through with a nature consequence. 

So I won’t use shame or a punishment of ‘I told you to stop your not listening! Go to time out or your room, I’ll take away your iPad later if you don’t listen to me!’ Etc. 


Neither will I use a reward if they are met eg.’ good listening here is a lollipop! Or ‘good boy here is a sticker for your good boy chart!’ ect. Rewards just like punishments are just not necessary in my opinion. 


So the natural consequence to follow has to do with the activity/action & consequence. When I see a certain behaviour I will verbalise that particular limit. If it continues I will remind him of the limit again. If it happens once more that is when the natural consequence will be carried out. 


Examples of natural consequences would go something like this:


I can’t let you hurt your body. 

I can’t let you jump off that sea saw it’s too high. (Child does continues to try and jump) I see your having a hard time coming down from there by yourself, let me help you down and we will need to move onto playing in another area now.  (So limit - can’t play safe. Natural consequence - we move onto a different equipment where we can play safe.) 


I can’t let you hurt others. 

‘I can’t let you hit me. I see you are having a hard time not hitting me. I’m going to put you down now/ move back away from you now so my body is safe. I’ll come close and play with you again when you are ready not to hit.’ 


Or ‘I see your having a hard time to not through your blocks. Hmm that’s tricky. I can’t let you hurt the puppy. Your blocks will have to go away for today. We can try again tomorrow. 


I can’t let you hurt the environment- 

I can’t let you draw on your table. I see your having a hard time keeping your colours off the table. Your colours will have to go away for today and we can move onto another activity. 


Note* consequence are always explained with empathy. Your on your child’s side it’s just what has to happen if it’s overall unsafe or damaging. 


Lastly, what to do when my child starts crying and having a ‘tantrum’ once this consequence is played out? Answer is turn to EMPATHY be there for them and go through the emotions with them. ‘I can see your really sad I had to put the blocks away in the cupboard for today. You still really wanted to play with them huh? Hmm I know but I can’t let you hurt the puppy so we can try again tomorrow. It’s okay to cry. (Offer a cuddle) what can we play I instead?’ 


I away show empathy to shy away from shame. 


Lastly Modelling is also super important. If you expect your child to follow through with a boundary then you yourself need to do the same. For example I can’t let Forrest eat on the sofa. It might gets dirty or stained and damaged the furniture. So I also do not ever eat on the sofa. We then can enjoy our food together at the table. 


I’m really happy I started setting empathic limits very early in my child’s life so now my son knows what to expect and knows I am setting them for a reason and that reason is too respect and keep our own and others bodies safe plus respect and keep our environment and possessions safe. 


I really does make our lives more calmer, in order and happy. My son usually always listens to me on the first time and I never have to get to that point of yelling or having hard confrontation with him. 

We are pretty chill ✌️ so I do encourage any caregivers to thank about implementing this. Children need boundaries, they need care, they need love. 


Happy days 

-Mummy R




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